


Having a Coke with You

by rondeau



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Happy ending don't worry, M/M, Side HyungWonho, Side ShowHyuk, domestic?, honestly have no clue what i'm tagging, multi-chaptered, slowburn?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-07-14 09:10:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16037381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rondeau/pseuds/rondeau
Summary: It takes a small misunderstanding, a wayward question, and a lot, a lot more crippling soul-searching for Changkyun to admit to himself that maybe, just maybe, he's completely and hopelessly in love with his best friend and housemate. It takes a little more for him to realise that that's okay. Maybe even more than okay.





	1. A Small Misunderstanding

The first thing that hits Changkyun as he steps out of the bathroom is the smell of kimchi stew. He sighs in contentment while towelling his hair, making his way to the kitchen nose-first, trying to ascertain dinner’s degree of completion. That’s the good thing about sharing an apartment with Kihyun; you never have to worry about going hungry. Of course, that’s just one of the many benefits of staying with Kihyun, but as of now that’s the only thing that comes to mind as his stomach makes itself known to the apartment through a series of low, loud growls. He can positively feel the corresponding eye-roll coming from the busy man in the kitchen, so he all but hastens to save himself from a tirade of exasperation.

“Wow smells good, but what’s new? Can’t believe I really landed myself such a great house-mate, hope you know you’re the absolute best Kihyun I cannot even-”

“The bin has exactly one empty Cheeto bag Changkyun, don’t even try.”

The ruse isn’t even allowed to begin when it comes to Kihyun. Changkyun sighs and shrugs before slipping the towel onto his shoulders. He’s not too good with remembering when to eat and even worse at trying to make proper food by himself. The apparent solution to the former is to set reminders and the latter, to start by cooking basic dishes, but who has time in this economy?

Changkyun’s gut feel states that he’s getting nagged at right now but Kihyun’s voice registers as nothing more than background sound as he tries to calculate how many reports he’s left with and how many more times he has to laugh at his professor’s hilarious jokes before he gets a decent enough grade. That’s four more and approximately endlessly respectively. He’s thankful for the upcoming Chuseok break, which means instead of rushing everything tonight, he’ll just rush everything on the last night of break.

“...and that’s why you have to eat proper meals. I threw your console out of the window while you were showering. When will you-”

“You what?!”

Changkyun looks up at the other boy so quickly his neck cracks. He’s met with yet another badly suppressed eyeroll and a quick gesture to get his own bowl out. As he ladles his own food out and ambles towards the living room where Kihyun is sitted, mouth full and eyes glued to his laptop, he spots their consoles in the opened drawer. Watching his shoulders sag in relief, the other boy shuts it with a smirk.

“Was just trying to see if you were paying attention. Now hurry up, I’m not missing an episode of Boku no Hero Academia for you.”

Nothing gives Kihyun more satisfaction than to see Changkyun scramble, so scramble Changkyun does. Sometimes sacrificing your pride is necessary, the boy muses to himself as the familiar theme song rolls in, especially if it means you get to watch the latest episode of your favourite anime uninterrupted.

 

  
That’s how dinner works here; Kihyun cooks and Changkyun cleans. It took Kihyun some time to trust Changkyun’s cleaning skills, but eventually turning one eye away and mustering all blind faith possible meant that the younger one was able to wash the dishes without a constant ominous looming presence sniffing and inspecting behind him. Changkyun has in turn grown to enjoy cleaning. There’s a certain peacefulness that comes with letting yourself run on autopilot. He finds himself grabbing the sponge and reaching for the dishwashing liquid in a quick, fluid motion. For a few moments, his mind is blank as he scrubs and rinses, the repetitive movement therapeutic. The outside world and inner turmoil ceases to exist for a bit, which is amazing because everything is always so _loud_.

Today is no exception. Once the episode ends and all Izuku-Katsuki rants have run their course (for the day only, of course) Changkyun instinctively takes both their bowls and goes to the sink. Kihyun stays in the living room, eyebrows furrowed as he continues plodding through yet another thesis, mumbling under his breath about how he has to finish this before break begins. Comfortable silence settles in the small apartment, both buried in what they’re doing.

A while later, the tap is turned off and the dishes are left to dry on the rack, with Changkyun wiping his hands on his shirt. He’s wondering about what to do when he remembers he hasn't packed. Right. Chuseok is a yearly family affair but this year his parents have decided to celebrate their 30th anniversary with an _exclusive_ holiday and Changkyun is understandably and gladly not invited. This year he’s decided on visiting his other set of ‘parents’, younger but just as disgustingly in love, who have recently moved to Busan. The new apartment is said to be bigger and the couple have made it enthusiastically clear that he’s welcome to stay any time. Which is just as well, since he hasn't seen them in ages and he dramatically wonders if he even remembers the sound of their voices. 

“You know you’re still welcome to go back with me right? Kinda saves me the trouble of having to explain everything you’ve done this year to my parents. Come to think of it, we spend more time talking about what you do than what I do……” Almost as if reading his reverie, Kihyun breaks the silence in the room, mumbling as he tears his eyes away from his computer screen to look questioningly at the other, who had been standing still in the same spot for a good 10 minutes.

Changkyun can't help but grin upon hearing Kihyun's words. Kihyun’s parents have always adored him like their own son (“More than their own son, actually,”) and likewise, no one is a bigger fan of Mrs Yoo’s kimbap than he is. They're nothing short of doting towards Changkyun, never failing to feed him to the brim every time he turns up. There's even been delivery packages of kimchi and kimbap solely for Changkyun and Kihyun's nothing short of unimpressed every time the name of the sender happens to be his own parents. Recollecting sends a jolt of fondness to Changkyun's heart and he wavers for a split second, but he’s not one to do last minute cancellations. 

“Nah, I won’t take away your golden chance to gush about me. Anyway, Minhyuk and Hyunwoo recently got two corgis and I kinda wanna see if I can dognap at least one back.”

“Who said anything about gushing? All I do is complain about how you don’t clean the toilet when you have to and never remember to take the trash out.”

“If you wanted a date you could’ve just said so, Kihyunnie.”

“...Good night and don’t expect any bread in the toaster tomorrow morning.”

With that, Kihyun huffs and enters his room, Changkyun’s chuckle smothering the soft click from the closing of his door.

 

 

  
The next morning, Changkyun is unceremoniously awakened by the loud, incessant honking of an inconsiderate driver and the subsequent panicked screeches of all the surrounding birds. In all the glory of his bed head and bleary eyes, he gets up to close the window and shuffles back to bed, only to be unable to fall back asleep. Cursing the driver, the birds, and their respective ancestors, he decides to Get Up and get moving.

As he walks out of his room, the emptiness of the apartment startles him for a bit before he remembers that Kihyun took the second earliest ride to Daegu. Kihyun is a morning person through and through, always waking up at the crack of dawn to start his day early, whereas Changkyun’s morning starts at 10am earliest and that’s only when he has morning classes. Likewise, Kihyun can’t stay up late even if his life depended on it while Changkyun seems to get the most work done at ass o’ clock. It’s definitely not because he’s driven by the pure sheer adrenaline of being unable to complete last minute work, nor is it because he practically wastes his free afternoons gaming with Jooheon. Absolutely none of the above.

A cursory glance of the kitchen shows that there’s a note taped to the fridge in Kihyun’s neat print:

 

 _Kyun:_  

_There’s bread in the toaster and coffee in the jug. We’re running out of sugar and milk so if you wake up more than an hour before your ride try to get it. There’s a GS25 at the train station so PLEASE get something to eat before you board the train. I said please already so you have to do it!!!_

_Don’t forget your keys and wallet. And remember to bring a jacket. Also please say hi to the married couple for me!_

_Ki_

_P.S. We don’t have space for a dog btw. If you bring back any I’ll kick YOU out instead._

 

The note sounds so much like Kihyun that Changkyun can’t help but smile. Instantly, the apartment seems to feel a little less empty, a little more comfortable and on that note he finishes breakfast quick. The walk to the nearest supermart isn’t long but Changkyun likes to take his time enjoying the scenery and the people that pass by. The air is cool and dry now that fall has crept in, so a pullover is all that needs to be thrown on before he heads out. He’s been living here for a little over two years now, but the scenery never fails to amaze him. The little details like the fresh coat of paint on their neighbour’s house, the planting of a new tree or even the change in seasonal colours makes him sigh in admiration and appreciation.

Coming to think of it, he realises, this seems to be his first time going to the mart alone. Saturday nights are when they have their weekly grocery trips; this week they’re both out of town, missing their usual ritual, making it a first. There’s something special about their weekly grocery trips, or so Changkyun feels. It’s sort of their winding down event, signifying the ending of the current week and the impending beginning of a new one. They tend to take their time walking to the mart and in that time they cover all grounds; from discussing everything and anything or playing random made-up games to just sharing the moment quietly.

There nothing to not love about the mart, really. Besides being conveniently located at a walking distance away from their apartment, it's always brightly lit, always welcoming, and the store owners, an elderly couple and occasionally, their daughter, are always full of smiles. Beyond that, the selection and diversity of food gives normal commercial supermarkets a run for their money. Perhaps the only downside of their trips is the constant struggle of trying to sneak snacks into their basket, but Changkyun succeeds 8 out of 10 times. He likes to think it’s because he’s super stealthy, yet reality whispers into his ear that Kihyun’s just tired of having to smack his hand away by the third time. 

This morning, the couple is nowhere to be seen and instead their daughter mans the mart alone. She smiles at him as he enters and he does a little wave back. The necessities are easy to find and he’s done in no time but he falters at the snack aisle. His impulse control is all the way in Daegu and not here to stop him, but why does he feel all the more inhibited? He almost feels bad for even considering purchasing. With a shrug, he decides against doing so and instead walks towards the produce section to buy some food for the coming week.

He goes to the cashier’s quick before he caves into the temptation of ‘just a bag of potato chips’. Victorious, he retrieves his cash and as the girl scans the items, he belatedly regrets speed-walking. There’s an air of awkwardness now that Changkyun has no-one to annoy and all he knows to do is look at his feet, hands, the shelves behind, well, anything but in front.

“So uhm, your boyfriend’s away?”

The girl’s voice cuts through the tangible silence. It takes a bit of time to register that she’s talking to him and after that he feels a bit dumb. Of course she’s talking to him. There’s nobody else standing right in front of her looking like a lost fool.

“My...what?”

“Your...boyfriend? No? Oh my god, I’m so sorry for assuming I just-”

“Nah chill it’s fine man, no worries. It’s cool.”

The girl’s mortification from her blunder is apparent and seemingly reluctant to die down until Changkyun leaves. He bids her farewell and beats a hasty return, stumbling on his way out.

As he walks back his surroundings fade into the background and his thoughts rise to the front. A laugh bubbles from the bottom of his throat as the previous scenario unfolds itself in his mind once again. Him and Kihyun? Dating? The idea was so strange and foreign. Sure, Kihyun’s the person he spends the most time with, the person who understands him inside and out, the person who he’d sacrifice everything for, but that just makes Kihyun his best friend. It’s sort of ridiculous to even think about dating him.

The thought is long shoved to the back of his mind by the time he reaches home. He keeps the groceries before grabbing his bag, wallet, keys and a spare jacket. Just before he leaves, he quickly scrawls a reply on the same note:

 

_I bought the sugar and milk plus some more groceries! I didn’t even get any snacks wow can you believe that #improvedperson #newyearnewme #please #praise #me #when #I #come #back :)_

_P.S. I pay rent, dogs don’t ;)_

 

With that, he's already 15 minutes behind schedule and left with no choice but to begin running towards the train station.


	2. It Pours

Changkyun spends most part of his ride listlessly looking out of the window or watching the small TV screen play commercial after commercial, all while shoving a small country’s serving of kimbap into his mouth. He finds himself wondering what Kihyun’s doing from time to time. He’s probably already done with lunch, most likely catching up with his parents. Maybe he’s doing gardening with his father? Going downtown with his parents? They don’t have a habit of texting each other much since they usually know the other’s schedule to the T, so when Changkyun takes his phone out to message Kihyun, his fingers hover above the keyboard for some time before deciding on sending a short “what you doing”. As expected, he doesn’t get an immediate response from the other. Sulking a little, he goes back to doing what he does best- spacing out for the rest of the ride.

After what seems like eternity, the train finally reaches Busan. Exiting the train station, he’s making his way to the taxi stand when he’s met with the sole refutation of light travelling faster than sound. It takes a single high-pitched yell for Changkyun to know that Minhyuk’s here to pick him up and, tracing the origin of the sound, he finds himself face to face with the biggest grin and brightest hair in the lands of Busan.

“KYUNNIE MY BABYYY!!! I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN AGES!!! COME GIVE ME A HUG!!!”

There’s really no need for Minhyuk to ask Changkyun for a hug, really. Before the younger can reply, the effervescent man has already pounced on him, pulling him into a tight embrace. Minhyuk is a furnace in the October chill but Changkyun bears that no mind as he hugs back just as tightly, the sight of the older man like a lit match to the sparkler of his emotions. He’s missed seeing Minhyuk every other day ever since they moved three months ago and things just aren’t the same when your daily good morning greetings come in the form of a text rather than an exuberant break-in, the latter occurence much a chagrin to the easily startled Kihyun. (“Can you teach him how to knock?” “You know that meme of Big Bird knocking the entire door down? That’s Minhyuk.”)

 Once Minhyuk is done squeezing a lung out of Changkyun, he leads him to his car excitedly, hand in hand, all while interrogating.

 “How’s the final year of college working out for you? Are you super busy? Sleeping enough? Okay silly question, you never sleep enough even when you have the time. How’s Ki? Heonnie? All doing fine? Actually, don’t answer me in full now or you’ll have to repeat everything again when you reach home. But still tell me a bit because I seriously can’t wait to hear everything.”

 “Well you know me, living as good as a final year student can be. Ki’s fine, a little more stressed now that he’s gotten a new assignment and his group mates are absolute shit. Joo’s good, really good actually. He’s recently gotten signed by a label and-”

 Changkyun watches in amusement as Minhyuk keys his car wrongly in excitement from the last piece of information. Jooheon has been in the underground rapping scene for years, creating a big name for himself with his unique voice and smooth flow, but recent months have seen him trying to break into the commercial scene. It’s tough and it isn’t always a well-regarded decision, but Jooheon’s sure this is the right call and Changkyun trusts him. Nothing solidified the trust more than seeing Jooheon’s face light up upon receiving the call of acceptance just two days ago.

 “My god that’s so amazing! I’m so proud of him. The label’s lucky to have him!!!”

 “Yeah, true. But enough about us, how have y’all been doing? Leave out the gross stuff though. I want to protect my virgin ears.”

 Minhyuk waggles his eyebrows before launching into a detailed description of the past three months. The ride is long but it barely feels like a minute with Minhyuk’s animated stories about them and their house, the neighbours, and even their neighbours’ neighbours. Changkyun had never worried that the couple would have any problems with fitting in, both being such easy-going and likeable people, and hearing all these stories just serves to put all his non-existent concerns at ease.

 “...aaaaand we’re here!”

 The neighbourhood is made up of houses after houses of cream and brick, with identical driveways and gardens. The uniformity both pleases and scares Changkyun because _wow, people actually have their shit together and have nice houses and a family or something_. It’s so different from where they stay, a stone’s throw away from college. Where they stay consists mostly run down apartment buildings and the occasional house or two and, well, there’s just something intimidating about the prospect of life having a life like this, or even having to live up to a life like this. Something uncomfortable bubbles within the pit of his stomach and it feels an awful lot like fear.

 Pushing those thoughts and feelings aside, Changkyun trails behind Minhyuk, who is hollering for Hyunwoo at the top of his voice. The man himself, looking every bit the comforting presence he is, appears from the sofa in the living room to give the younger one his second rib-crushing embrace for the day before ushering him in. There are a couple of enthusiastic, wet licks at his ankles and toes which takes him by surprise, but a cursory look down belies the givers of said wet licks- two excitable, fluffy corgis more than happy to invite him in.

 “Say hi to Robbery and Murder!!! Murder’s the one with darker fur!”

Changkyun raises both eyebrows at the name choices, ready to question, and Minhyuk shrugs.

“Just thought it’d be funny to yell that in the park.”

“You let him name them?!”

“You have to admit it’s pretty funny.”

“...I’m calling child protection services once I get in.”

 

One look at the interior and Changkyun knows that they could’ve dropped him in the middle of the neighbourhood and asked him to find his way into their house, and he definitely would be able to. Nothing yells Shownu like the warm tones and tasteful furniture, and nothing yells Minhyuk like what must be a Cubist dick painting and a combination of the most eclectic ornaments that somehow just _work_. Call it an artist’s eye or something, but Minhyuk really knows how to make things work together. Except maybe lunch. As if in line with that thought, Hyunwoo scratches the back of his head and sheepishly faces Changkyun.

“By the way Minhyuk tried to make some sort of pie but somehow burnt the bottom and undercooked the filling? So we just ordered in fried chicken, hope you don’t mind.”

Minhyuk must have pinched the older man’s sides _hard_ from the subsequent squeak that erupted, before smoothly continuing to lead Changkyun to the dinner table, all smiles and a tongue stuck out at his husband, while cooing about how Changkyun was his easiest child to feed.

“Dinner first and you spill all that hot tea, then house tour. The house won’t leave but my sanity will if I have to wait any longer to hear all about everything.”

With Minhyuk’s melodramatic announcement and shared rolled eyes between the other two, Changkyun begins filling in his two best friends as best as possible. There’s much to cover in the months that have lapsed, from Changkyun knocking himself out in the bathroom (honestly, all he remembers is passionately performing some Mariah Carey song, getting ready to hit that high note before heavily regretting not placing a bathroom mat) to Kihyun somehow entering the wrong apartment in a post-exam haze only to return, eyes unfocused, only uttering the words “who the FUCK needs that many TENTACLES?!” over and over again for the next 20 minutes. Minhyuk all but cackles and Hyunwoo himself can’t help doubling over with laughter from his tales of shenanigans. What can Changkyun say? He didn’t choose the dumbass life, the dumbass life elected him their president for eternity.

Retelling these stories, Changkyun realises that he’s actually pretty godawful at remembering the details. It usually doesn’t crop up as an issue, with Kihyun to fill in all his blanks, but now that he has to do it alone, he’s suddenly struck with an odd sense of appreciation for all the times Kihyun interjected him. That’s the thing about Kihyun- he just seems to know the perfect balance between detail and drama when recounting stories, not to mention his hefty bank full of facial expressions and animated gesticulations. It’s kind of amazing, really, Changkyun thinks, to see him in his element like this. A law student is a law student, he supposes, and he knows Kihyun is a damn good one at that.

“Okay so like...you know the compulsory question I’m going to have to ask you right?”

Minhyuk is quick to ask as Changkyun’s about to move on from their lives. Damn Minhyuk for knowing him this well, and damn himself for knowing exactly what Minhyuk is about to ask. It’s not irritating or anything and he knows Minhyuk’s just invested in his life but...it’s like going back home and his clueless relatives asking him about his girlfriend and an invitation to his future wedding. It makes this feeling of....misplacement? return.

“Yes and my answer remains the same. Y’know, I just…”

Changkyun runs his fingers through his hair and tugs on it a little. He doesn’t know how to explain why he doesn’t want to date. He’s not completely sure himself, if he has to be honest, and he’s not sure if he really wants to unpack this whole baggage.

“I’m not saying you need someone to knock this into you but I am. Kyun it’s been at least a YEAR, maybe even two, of you telling me this! It’s okay if you don’t wanna do feelsies now I get that but like...my GOD I bet you haven’t gotten laid in so long!”

Hyunwoo raises a brow then, more bemused than anything else.

“Not sure if you should be encouraging him like this, Min.”

“He’s a young hot man! Who shouldn’t be wasting away at home with no one to pound-”

“THAT IS quite enough thank you Minhyuk-”

Changkyun reaches over the table to clap the other man’s mouth quick before he continues the sentence, raising his volume to drown out any errant words that may escape.

“Look, in my defence I do go out! And I have other friends as well! It’s not like I’m trying to hide myself or run away from people. I’m doing what normal people do. It’s not my fault if nobody hits me up, right? Like, seriously, NOBODY approaches me. And you know how bad I am at approaching people too. Maybe I’m just super unattractive or something. God, I don’t know.”

He doesn’t mean to sound this defensive, a little defeated, and he almost sounds like he’s _whining_ but it’s true. Sort of. He almost completely sure he’s not intentionally avoiding anything, he’s just choosing to not do anything. And ‘anything’ chooses not to be, well, doing him as well. So there’s that.

There’s an almost tangible silence at the table now, with the couple sharing an unreadable look between them. After what seems like a day and a half, Hyunwoo clears his throat but continues to look at Minhyuk.

“Maybe you really should’ve told him before you said all this.”

“We already talked about this, Hyun. There’s nothing to say. Seriously, drop it.”

There’s a glint in Minhyuk’s eyes that would make anyone step down. Anyone but Hyunwoo at least, as the latter matches his partner’s determined look with a steadfast one.

“Can y’all maybe, uh, not pretend I’m not just sitting here?”

Changkyun waves a hand helplessly across the table, feeling as out of place as he looks in the scenario. That seems to break the couple’s intense staring match and shake Minhyuk out of his zone. He’s quick to smile back at Changkyun and pat his hand across the table.

“It’s nothing, sorry baby. Maybe we should-”

“Kyun, do you know why people don’t approach you?”

Hyunwoo interrupts Minhyuk, his voice gentler than usual. There’s something about how careful he chooses to sound that makes Changkyun shift in his seat. Opposite him, Minhyuk is almost glaring, quietly telling his husband _not_ to do this, _or else_.

“It’s because they think you’re unavailable, Kyun. They think you’re dating already. That’s why people don’t approach you.”

“The fuck? Who am I supposed to be dating?”

Changkyun runs through his list of close friends quickly. Hyungwon and Hoseok are all but glued together, busy being the disgusting couple that looks into each others’ eyes while feeding each other during coffee dates, all while holding hands. There’s Jooheon, his long-time best friend that comes over to game every other day he’s not in his studio, which honestly hasn’t been that much or for that long ever since his career picked up. Besides, they don’t even hang out on campus. That makes it three down.

But they can’t be talking about--

“Kihyun, maybe?”

Hyunwoo’s voice echoes his thoughts, tone deceptively questioning. Something in him momentarily clears up, but clouds again just as fast.

“You’re actually kidding me, right?”

A laugh, slightly hysterical, escapes from the bottom of Changkyun’s throat, but he laughs alone. Minhyuk’s shoulders sag. He pinches the bridge of his nose while releasing a drawn-out sigh.

“You can’t really blame people, Kyunnie. Both of you do everything together. Hell, I don’t even think Hyunnie and I are as inseparable. But I’m not saying it’s your fault, baby. People just like to assume stuff. You don’t...there’s nothing wrong with what both of you are doing.”

“But that doesn’t make us...it doesn’t make us anything! It’s natural that we do things together. He’s one of my best friends and also my housemate. And I’m a mess who needs to be taken care of 24/7. And he happens to be good at taking care of people. And damage control. And cleaning up.”

Changkyun huffs back indignantly, something ugly in him rising. It feels foreign and yet familiar, like a recurring nightmare with a different conclusion at every end. 

“I know that, Kyun. We know that. But we know that because we are your friends, and we know both of you. I’m not so sure if that’s what other people think.”

Hyunwoo’s voice comes like a wave of warmth, but it does nothing to combat this discomfort he’s feeling. It’s just...it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t settle within him well. When he opens his mouth to speak again, his voice comes out as a croak.

“How long? I mean, how long has it been like that?”

Minhyuk says “It’s a recent development.” the same time Hyunwoo says “Maybe ever since you became housemates?”. It’s almost funny, the way they turn to look at each other so quick a neck or two should have snapped, but the laughter dies within Changkyun before it can even rise. 

“Thanks for telling me, I guess...I, well, I didn’t even know. It just never occurred to me that it’d appear so.”

A pregnant pause. And then a deep breath.

“Do you think Kihyun knows?”

“I don’t think so?”

Minhyuk fervently nods, agreeing with Hyunwoo’s reply. 

“You know how Ki is, he probably has absolutely no clue. Which is better, right? Then it doesn’t make things awkward. Don’t let this make things awkward, okay?”

It almost sounds like Minhyuk is reassuring himself more so than he is Changkyun. Changkyun nods, but if he were honest, there was no way else to answer this anyway. He doesn’t know if this is going to affect him, affect his relationship with Kihyun, but he’d be damned if he says he won’t try his absolute best to put this away to make sure it doesn’t.

Whether Minhyuk’s truly satisfied with his answer or merely just quick to move on, Changkyun is unsure. Instead, he focuses on Hyunwoo’s voice, deep and slow, as they move on to talking about Hyunwoo’s job, Minhyuk’s commissions and Busan. If Changkyun is good at anything, it’d be building a wall between things he doesn’t want to think about and his present state of mind, so the rest of the evening goes without an extra second of thinking about the previous situation. He lets himself relax, let his mind receive instead of give. He’s here to enjoy and he will.

 

The night catches up with them soon, and Changkyun lies on the bed in their guest bedroom after a long hot shower. He keeps his mind blank, doesn’t let anything penetrate the forefront of his thoughts as he stares at the ceiling. There’s something looming at its periphery, itching to escape, itching to be acknowledged but he’s tired. He’s tired from thinking and reacting and being in his own situation, his own skin. He just wants sleep to claim him.

But things never go his way. He’s never that lucky. So when his phone vibrates not once but twice just as he’s about to drift into slumber, he curses. He curses the gods for not letting him off just this once, curses his ancestors for making him a light sleeper (he just didn’t want to blame himself), curses-

 

**Ki**

I’ve been with the parents the whole day

They asked if u get fed enough

Was going to tell them all abt ur shitty eating habits

But I don’t want the apartment to get flooded with packages of food for the next few days  
  
**Ki**

Hbu how’s Minhyuk and Hyunwoo

 

The universe really hates Changkyun, huh. As though summoned just by seeing his name, the conversation from the afternoon surges into Changkyun’s consciousness. The dam is broken and all that has build up behind, around it is released.

So Changkyun rationalises. Honestly, there’s nothing to this. There’s nothing wrong with people thinking, for _years_ , that you’re dating your best friend, right? He wants to shrug this off, say this is none of his business, but it very much is. It's his business, and it's Kihyun's business, and he almost feels like he has to worry about this double since Kihyun (probably?) doesn't know. Maybe he doesn't care. But Changkyun's not Kihyun. He can't pretend that what people think or say don't matter to him, that it doesn't affect his actions and attitude. He knows it shouldn't; it shouldn't even matter if that's what people think, because it's  _not true_. And if it's not true, he shouldn't let this shake him up, right? He shouldn't even be shaken up, right?

In the end, it all boils down to one question, a single confirmation. Everything within him is telling him not to do it- there’s no point in seeking an answer that might inevitably change his current rosy perspective. He shouldn’t be doing this, in the name of self-love. But maybe it’s worse for him to have to keep this on his mind constantly, to second-guess all his interactions, to want to defend or attack with no actual need at all.

So he does it. He chooses to put replying Kihyun’s messages on hold and instead, sends a text to Hoseok.

 

**Changkyun**

hey hoseok hyung u busy

 

**Seokkie hyung**

nope wonnie’s asleep now so m free heh

what’s up kyunnie :o

r u ok

aren’t u at ur friends’ place

 

**Changkyun**

yeah i am

i just

UGH

i need to ask u a qn

and like

u gotta answer me truthfully ok u rly have to

 

**Seokkie hyung**

ok now m scared

 

**Changkyun**

don’t be

you have nth to be scared abt

i just

…….ugh

do ppl think that ki and i r dating

or smth

 

**Seokkie hyung**

i mean, yeah? sometimes?

why

u didn’t know???

 

**Changkyun**

no??????

how tf was i supposed to know???

nobody told me????????

 

**Seokkie hyung**

well

i thought u knew??

uhm

we thought u knew but u j didn’t care

of what ppl thought of it??

ugh

kyunnie i’m sorry ))):

i didn’t know that u didn’t know

wait

how did u find out then??

 

**Changkyun**

hyung it’s fine it’s not ur fault

i just

wwirubfiurbvie

SIGH

maybe i’m truly a dumbass

hyunwoo hyung and minhyuk hyung like

kinda told me

sorta

 

**Seokkie hyung**

i thought that it just didn’t matter to you

and idk

i don’t think it should and it shouldnt change what you have with ki

as long as you’re comfortable

and he’s comfortable

and you’re happy w the arrangement

that’s all that matters?

idk that’s what i think at least

 

**Changkyun**

yeah i guess

yeah it’s fine

it doesn’t matter to me honestly

just

i never saw it this way?

so it’s sort of a bit of a shock to me i guess

i’ll be fine soon

thanks hyung

 

**Seokkie hyung**

np anything for u kyunnie :D

always here for u if u need anyth ok?

if u wanna talk or wtv 

 

The confirmation he needed is here, and they say the truth sets you free but god, Changkyun’s never felt a weight like this on his mind and he doesn’t know if it’ll be gone soon. It’s like knowing something that you shouldn’t. It feels wrong. Most of all, it feels like he’s keeping a big secret from Kihyun and it’s already beginning to scratch against the constraints of ribcage, begging to come out.

The last thought that lingers in his mind before he passes out from exhaustion is Kihyun’s unanswered messages.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's pretend i didn't take 1 month to update oop sorry it's been a weird month for me and college apps are no joke
> 
> i promise more will be going on sooooooon but the way i planned it well this goes like a journey so it's gonna take some time yeah


	3. Flashflood

Sleep is a wonderful, wonderful thing, Changkyun decides, as he wakes up the next morning naturally. By naturally he means to the sound of Minhyuk banging the pots and pans somewhere in the kitchen, interspersed with periodic shouts of a loud, passionate, and extremely emphatic “FUCK”. He gets up with relatively fresh eyes and ringing ears, and a mind set on putting whatever garbled feelings of yesterday behind.

Hoseok and Minhyuk are right. This new knowledge doesn’t matter, and shouldn’t. He likes the way things are now, and he’s sure Kihyun does, too. He deserves to have things his way if they make him happy and Kihyun, more so. He’s putting this behind him, far far away, and he’s not going to touch it again. That’s that. The sun is shining and the birds are singing and he’s going to do everything _right_.

On that resolute and bright note, he pads to the kitchen, greeted by the sight of  Hyunwoo salvaging breakfast and Minhyuk sitting by the table, sipping coffee, previous episode of kitchen disaster put in the past. He looks up at Changkyun and flashes a dazzling smile.

“Slept well Kyunnie?”

Changkyun flashes one back too.

“Sure.”

 

They take him to Taejongdae park and Igidae Coastal Walk for the rest of the day. He feels like a kid being brought on vacation by his parents, as the couple insists on taking photos of him and, in turn, embarrassing him by making him take their photos in which they pose like they’re middle-aged parents rekindling their fiery passion. He doesn’t realise how hard he’s smiling the whole time until his cheeks start to feel sore. He’s just so, so fond of them.

He’s so content being here, he really is. He loves sightseeing, loves being able to explore new lands and marvel how different or similar they are from where he lives. He loves trying new food just as much, especially since he’s not a picky eater and genuinely enjoys all sorts of food. He even loved it when his family hopped from country to country for his father’s work, which constantly felt like changing seats before he could even warm the previous one. There’s something he deeply appreciates about the world and how vast it is.

But he’s standing here, at the bridge signalling the end of the skywalk. It’s 5pm and the sun is starting to make it’s descent for the day. The sky is turning a glorious shade of pink and soon it will be salmon in no time. The sight is magnificent against the cliffs and the ocean, truly Mother Nature’s masterpiece, and his mind is silent. Save a whisper, so quiet he could almost miss, so low he could just ignore, but there it is. And it reminds him how much Kihyun would love seeing this.

Kihyun, who travels with his camera everywhere he goes. He’s a diligent photographer, and whenever there’s a sight that captivates him, he’ll stop for a good minute or more, trying to capture the best angle. He calls it ‘doing the scene justice’. Changkyun always stands behind him, watching him make these miniscule changes in posture and position, chasing the right proportions and light, wondering _how on earth does he know all the right ways to move?_ But somehow Kihyun just does. And the pictures, well, they always turn out beautiful.

He doesn’t let a second thought pass as he takes his phone out. It’s no professional camera, and he doesn’t know what makes or breaks a photo, but he takes a couple anyway. He doesn’t know if this is good enough to do the scene ‘justice’, but he hopes it’s enough.

 

**Changkyun**

[Image Attached]

the parents brought me sightseeing!!!

sick shit right

 

He gets a surprisingly fast response.

 

**Ki**

Wow

Holy shit this is really nice kyun

Where is this?

 

Something in him sings seeing Kihyun’s reply. He opts to reply later, continue walking first, trailing behind Minhyuk and Hyunwoo, who have in the process of the walk, somehow found themselves holding hands and just never let go. The corners of Changkyun’s lips can’t help but lift. He can’t be sure personally, but he’s certain that’s how love looks like.

He looks at the way Hyunwoo looks so endearingly at Minhyuk as the latter rattles on about whatever the hell he’s pointing at currently. _Minhyuk’s mind is like a ball of bright light,_ is what the older man told Changkyun one day, _and it’s my honour to be allowed to cast a shadow in its presence._ Likewise, Minhyuk is never short of praise for Hyunwoo. It’s always _my husband invented responsibility, y’all hoes can’t even spell it_ or _can you believe his MIND???_ But beyond his rambunctiousness, Minhyuk is full of gentle subtlety. Love drips from the way he wipes Hyunwoo’s sweat, when he offers to carry his husband’s bag when he’s tired, when he started the tradition of Wednesday date nights and doesn’t ever plan on stopping.

The realisation unfurls in Changkyun like a sail in the wind. That’s what he’s looking for. Someone to share love like this with. Someone to understand, someone who understands him. Who knows the right balance of push and pull, when to bite and when to soothe. Someone who can look at him in the eye of the storm and still say, “I want this, and I want to work this out.”

There’s an undertone of loneliness accompanying those thoughts but Changkyun shrugs it off.

 

Minhyuk and Hyunwoo both send him to the train station together. There’s a lot of hair-ruffling (Hyunwoo), snot (Minhyuk), and hugs (both) involved, and Changkyun leaves already missing them. The sad reality is that school starts the next day for him and his palms are already sweating from the very real, very familiar itch of an assignment due by 2359.

By the time he reaches the front door, it’s 8pm and he’s just so, so tired. His eyes are close to closing, he’s famished, and he’s ready to sell half his soul for his essay to complete itself. He opens the door, all but stumbling in, and is greeted by the sight of Kihyun by the dinner table and their rice-cooker, power still on.

There’s nothing that can spell out home more accurately and acutely than the sight before him. The October chill has settled upon Seoul and Kihyun, ever scared of the cold, has a pullover at least twice his size on. His hair is still slightly damp and mussed, fresh from a shower, and he smells like lavender. He’s got this habit of biting his lip and furrowing his brows while on his phone, regardless of what he’s looking at, and that’s exactly what he’s doing right now. The rice cooker next to him looks at least twice the size of his head, and the table looks the way it always does, a pair of bowls and two pairs of chopsticks opposite each other.

It’s like seeing the same movie scene a million times without knowing the meaning of it, and then realising at and the millionth and one view.

Something in him feels like a rapidly dilapidating house.

 _Not now_ , he pleads with himself desperately, _not now._

Kihyun chooses this moment to lift his head up from his phone and send him a small smile, standing up to get things ready.

“Thought you took the wrong train or something. Go put your things down quick, I’m actually starving.”

“Uh put things down. Right. Be right back.”

He books it to his room quick, all but throwing his bag onto the ground, before squatting down. _I’m probably just really tired,_ he repeats in his head, over and over again, _it’s fine. Be fine. You can’t afford to not be over something this silly._

He pinches himself hard as a sharp reminder and walks out with a smile hung on his face.

 

Dinner sees Kihyun’s vivid retelling of the past 2 days and Changkyun trying his best to focus on his words. It’s normally easy but today, Changkyun feels like a swinging camera suddenly put on autofocus, overly zoomed in. Everything is a little too clear, too bright around the edges, and he feels like he’s noticing and processing things in a way he shouldn’t. He can’t seem to capture the whole picture, rather, he picks up on all the minute details that he really shouldn’t be picking up on.

Like the way Kihyun uses his hands to accentuate every important detail. Sometimes they clench into little fists and he never realised how small his hands are until then. They’re pale and they look deceptively delicate, but the callouses and defined knuckles tell another story. Changkyun fights the urge to hold them.

Like how his eyes are always so bright. They have an other-worldly shine to them, like they hold another galaxy yet to be discovered. He’s never known that eyes could be so expressive, so able to convey meaning even when words fail to. How many times had Kihyun said something, and his eyes, another?

Like how his nose scrunches when he wrecks his brain for the right phrase to use, or the small delighted sound he makes when he finds it. Like when he reaches his hand over to pat Changkyun’s when he says something Extra Important. Like his pure, almost childish excitement at being able to relate everything to him.

If his heart wasn’t clenching before, it is now. His skin feels too tight, too suffocating, like it doesn’t belong. He doesn’t even realise that his hands were clenching around the material of his jeans until he releases them. It's then that he notices Kihyun isn't speaking, maybe hadn't been for some time already, and instead was looking at him in concern.

“Hey Kyun? Are you okay? You’ve been pretty spaced out this entire time.”

Kihyun looks at him, worry palpable. His voice is small, quiet, almost a little disappointed, and Changkyun has never wanted to punch himself so hard before.

“Yeah, yeah. Just...tired. Sorry.”

“I thought so too. Hey, just go ahead and bathe, I’ll do the washing. I know you still have work undone. Don’t worry about it.”

Guilt rushes over Changkyun like a tsunami. It drowns every inch of him with hot, coursing shame.

Kihyun looks so concerned and he can’t even tell Kihyun that he’s gotten it all wrong. That he hasn’t been spacing out because of exhaustion. That he’s so out of it because suddenly everything he knows things to be aren’t so anymore. And now Kihyun’s keeping the dishes, heading to the sink and washing up, doing his work for him, just because he can’t control his stupid brain from running off-track.

He wants to say something. Anything. But his mind is swamped, and any stray words die before they reach the tip of his tongue. He opts to turn around and head straight to the shower. Right. He still has work to do after this. That should offer him temporary reprieve from spiralling down this hole.

 

Minutes before the clock strikes midnight, Kihyun peeks into Changkyun’s room. There’s a faint glow emitting from within, signalling that the younger boy is either awake or has, once again, succumbed to the lure of sleep and is all but sprawled across his desk, snoring.

Kihyun isn’t surprised to see exactly the latter case before his eyes. Changkyun’s computer screen is still lit and, upon further inching closer, it seems that the poor boy had fallen asleep while waiting for his paper to be uploaded. Sighing, Kihyun gently closes it upon seeing the green tick of approval flash on the screen, shifting the sleeping boy’s arm away from the keyboard. Changkyun doesn’t even stir.

“Get up, sleepyhead. You don’t want to wake up with a sore neck tomorrow.”

“...Go ‘way.”

Changkyun mumbles without even bothering to move. Rolling his eyes, Kihyun lifts the other boy’s head up slowly from his other arm, coaxing him to sit up. He’s done this countless times, and he knows that once he gets Changkyun to sit up, half the battle is won. The younger just can’t sleep sitting upright.

True to his intuition and experience, the boy frowns and hesitates for a bit before standing up, eyes closed the whole time. With a little help, he gets onto his bed and proceeds to collapse like a deadweight. It takes him no less than 30 seconds to resume snoring.

With practised motion, Kihyun pulls the blanket from under Changkyun and covers him all the way up to his neck, making sure all that can evade the night chill does. And the world seems to stop for a moment, all breaths held, before he leans over and presses a light kiss to other boy’s forehead.

There are no witnesses save the night sky.

He leaves the room silently, closing the door behind him with a soft click.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is a proper posting schedule i don't know her
> 
> also our babies???? have gotten 4 wins??? they are an unstoppable force to be reckoned with can't hold the tears
> 
> and happy birthday to our minhyuk the tears won't stop flowing


	4. Sun's Out

Changkyun knows this isn’t good, but here he is anyway, a can of Redbull on his table and 5 more in his bag, sitting on a bench in his favourite corner of the school. It’s neatly tucked away from the other hallways and even further away from any lecture halls or function rooms. The bench has been his only companion outside of class for slightly more than a week, seeing him arrive at the wee hours of 7am and leaving as late as 1am. He’s exhausted, but he doesn’t really have a choice.

Not even his usual dose of strong denial allows for him to pretend that he isn’t trying to avoid Kihyun, because he’s doing all these exactly to make sure he doesn’t have to see his roommate. He knows Kihyun gets up at 7am daily, 8am on Wednesdays and weekends when he doesn’t have morning classes, and consistently sleeps by 12am. So he gets up by 6 and makes him way back at 12. Simple.

He obviously loves pain enough to be taking double majors in Chemical Engineering and Literature, so this arrangement has strangely gotten him to complete his stacks of work on time. Finals are approaching too, so he fills the other gaps in his schedule with revision. There’s nothing else to do other than immerse himself in assignment after assignment, paper after paper, textbook after textbook, and he’s never been this glad to be swarmed. There’s no space for him to deviate and think about all the things he wished he had the courage to face.

He’s on his third Redbull and second assignment of the day when his phone starts to vibrate longer and harder than a horny teenager’s vibrator.

 

**Hyungwinning in life**

im changkyun

i

m

c

h

a

n

g

k

y

u

n

can you reply me

it’s urgent

BITCH

I KNOW YOU’RE SEEING THESE

STOP IGNORING ME

**Changkyun**

damn what got ur knickers in a twist

what do u want

can’t a lad be BUSY

  **Hyungwinning in life**

busy huh

so busy that you, homebody 4 lyf, haven’t been home in a week huh

**Changkyun**

no

ok maybe

wait wtf how do u know that

CREEP 

**Hyungwinning in life**

check inside the bushes

jk i’ve been at yours

hamster bitch has been giving me tuition

i don’t understand anything in biz law, test is in 5 days

anyway i’ve been here for the past 4 days, afternoon till night

and you haven’t been here like a single time???

so fess up what’s up

**Changkyun**

oh would u look at the time

gotta walk my fish bye

**Hyungwinning in life**

changkyun pls

changkyun?

kyun?

gOD

ASSHOLE

COME BACK

OR I’LL

I’LL SEND HOSEOK TO

IDK

man’s too soft he won’t do anything to you

sigh

ok fine go attach legs to ur non-existent fish or wtv but

kihyun wants to know if you’re mad at him??

so maybe go talk to him?? soon??

i have no clue what happened and like i won’t push you to tell me what happened

but whatever it is you should talk to him about it

he said he hasn’t seen you home in two weeks and the only reason why he knows you’ve been back

is because of the depleting bags of percy pigs

**Changkyun**

………

damn me and my love for percy pigs

 

**Hyungwinning in life**

is that all you took away from my messages…...

ok but what’s up though

you aren’t usually out of the house for so long

**Changkyun**

uh

i

passed away?

**Hyungwinning in life**

i will find you and i will make sure you pass away if you don’t give me a serious answer

**Changkyun**

ugh

i

don’t know how to

explain

like it’s rly just nothing

**Hyungwinning in life**

stop it

you’re doing the

trivialising your problems thing again

if you want to talk about it, just say it like it is

it’s not stupid or shameful or anything

i won’t judge, promise 

**Changkyun**

sigh

yeah ok

can we meet to talk abt this though

it’s hard to explain over text

  **Hyungwinning in life**

sure

you have no class now right

wanna come over?

**Changkyun**

….u rly aren’t cutting me any slack huh

fine

be there in 10

Hyungwon and Hoseok live the opposite direction from college because Hoseok works full-time at a reputable media company and actually has the money to own a proper apartment. The apartment is spacious and well-furnished. When Hyungwon first moved out, Jooheon loved to complain about how the lanky noodle ditched them 2 months after finding “a hot sugar daddy that you refuse to share, friendship is DEAD”. It’s been a good 2 years since that, and after knowing Hoseok better, Jooheon instead complains about how he also dances well and “I really should’ve just attended that dance class too, fuck Hyungwon and his lucky ass.”

Changkyun presses the passcode on the keypad of the apartment door ( _“Rich people and their fucking technology,”_ he mumbles) and it opens smoothly like a hot knife through butter. Hyungwon is sitting on the couch, watching whatever the hell he watches as though he doesn’t have exams soon. He points vaguely in the direction of the kitchen upon noticing the younger boy’s arrival, eyes still glued to the screen.

“You can make yourself something and then come over.”

“Hello to you too, hyung,” Changkyun mumbles while throwing his bag on the floor. Grabbing an unopened bag of chips, he makes his way to the couch, switching the television off despite the other’s loud groans.

“Are you here to listen to me talk or are you here to watch your show? Because I’m more than happy to not face my problem and just watch Dance Moms with you.”

“Okay, damn, no need for the threatening, justnstart from wherever you wanna start.”

Hyungwon shifts his body to face Changkyun, expectant. Changkyun takes a deep breath, and then he talks.

He talks about going to Minhyuk and Hyunwoo’s house and the conversation that afternoon. He talks about his conversation with Hoseok, and then the tirade of plain _odd_ feelings that flooded him when he got back. He talks about how he’s been avoiding Kihyun these days in hopes of not having to face everything he felt again. He talks and he talks, until there’s nothing left to speak of it.

Hyungwon is uncharacteristically quiet through Changkyun’s confused rambling. No smart comments, no snorts or laughs, nothing. He sits there in absolute silence, nodding occasionally, eyes either looking down at his hands and crossed legs as though deep in thought or straight at Changkyun. When Changkyun ends with a frustrated sigh, Hyungwon absentmindedly pats his knee but continues not to speak.

The silence holds for another minute or so, Hyungwon’s eyes still trained on the couch, unblinking, with Changkyun growing more anxious with each second passing. Finally, an eternity later, Hyungwon looks up at him and smiles what the younger boy can only label as “an attempt at being comforting was made”. He reaches over to pat his hand before opening his mouth, evidently trying to start the sentence right but cutting himself off quick each time.

“Let me just...let me tell you some stuff,” Hyungwon finally manages.

“O...kay?”

Changkyun doesn’t voice out his puzzlement, instead letting Hyungwon begin. His heart seems to beat faster nonetheless, hands getting clammy, as though there was something ominous his body knew was going to happen that his brain didn’t.

Hyungwon gulps, evidently having trouble starting once again.

“You know how I suck at talking to people about stuff, right? And like, it’s been hard finding people even though I act like everybody wants me.”

“Everybody does though.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, but not the point. My point is,” Hyungwon runs a hand through his hair, “I’ve always found it hard to let people in and actually develop actual feelings for them? Until I met, y’know, Hoseok.”

“Yeah I know, I walked in on your supposed ‘first date’ in our shared apartment then only to see him between your legs.”

“Boy if you don’t shut it and let me speak-”

“Okay okay fine sorry, no more interruptions, promise.”

And so the words flow out of Hyungwon, slow and sweet like molasses. He talks about the cute senior that crashed the dance class he almost missed in lieu of a scheduled pre-sleep nap. He talks about how the cute senior comes with a name and a contact number in his phone by the end of the dance lesson. How they talk back and forth for months and Hyungwon being content with talking without knowing what he or Wonho feels.

“There’s something reassuring about not knowing or thinking about it, I feel.”

Changkyun’s heart does a loud, sick thud. Still he nods, face schooled expressionless, and Hyungwon sees it as his cue to continue.

He talks about how convenient it all is, until one day Wonho becomes Hoseok, then becomes an inevitable. How he agonised silently for ages about letting himself trust and rely on someone so much. How he thought he nearly wrecked it all, time and time again. How he finally realised he wanted this bad enough to slap himself awake and do something about it.

“...and then you sort of already know the rest. Yeah. But I mean I didn’t really have much to worry about losing because Hoseok is Hoseok. He’s an open book. I kind of already knew he liked me and was just afraid to make a move in case he scared me off or something. But I suppose not everyone is as easy to read as Hoseok.”

There’s a glint in Hyungwon’s eye, but it’s gone before Changkyun can process it.

Silence ensues again, but neither of them shatter it for some time. Hyungwon wrings his hands, watching Changkyun’s downcast face. He doesn’t see how Changkyun’s heart beats a grotesque flurry, doesn’t see how his head is so _crammed_ and yet blank at the same time. He doesn’t realise he hasn’t been breathing until exhales, loud and messy.

“Can you...can you tell me more about how you realised you loved Hoseok-hyung?”

Changkyun’s request wouldn’t have been heard had the room not been this silent. The air is heavy with pieces of answers for all of his questions and there’s no way else forward except to ask for the glue to fix them together.

Hyungwon tilts his head to the side, trying to find a specific incident.

“There isn’t really a specific incident? But once I got my head out of my ass I realised that I really couldn’t see myself with someone else, much less him with anyone else. And yeah, I’d be the child stuck in the basement if that means he’d be the city of Omelas, I dunno.”

His cheeks redden slightly at the cheesy parallel drawn, but Changkyun doesn’t say anything. The pieces are putting themselves together, snowballing as the knowledge within him grew larger. And then it begins tumbling down the hill of his mind, gaining speed until it eventually hurtles rapidly, large and fast enough to break the remaining walls Changkyun had so painstakingly set up to protect himself. And it does. He’s left standing with the truth in plain sight, nothing to shield him anymore.

He’s in love with Kihyun.

He barely registers Hyungwon lightly cupping his cheek, thumb brushing away the wetness on his cheeks. He lets himself sink into the support of Hyungwon’s hand, lets himself be guided into an awkward hug, lets his tears and snot ruin the other boy’s shirt as he stares straight ahead, eyes unfocused. Hyungwon’s hand is warm against his back, patting him slowly and gently.

They stay like this until there are no more tears shed and Changkyun pulls away.

“You know...maybe there’s a possibility that...he feels the same?”

Hyungwon is being serious and he knows it but still, Changkyun’s laugh escapes, resounding harsh and hoarse like a mocking after-thought.

“Are you kidding me? Don’t say things like this.”

Another beat.

And then, softer.

“Do you...do you really think so?”

“I mean...there’s a chance? I’m sorry Kyun, but I really have no clue. You know how he’s like and I, well, you know him better. But I...can ask Hoseok for you?”

“Nah, don’t do that. I don’t think I want hear the answer.”

“But-”

“It’s fine, hyung. I know you mean well but...I think I have enough of all this,” Changkyun gestures vaguely, “for some time. I think I just need to...stew in this.”

Hyungwon’s eyes narrow.

“The last time you let yourself ‘stew in this’ you didn’t go back for two weeks and got Kihyun worried sick. Not so sure if it’s the best course of action.”

Another beat.

And then, softer.

“Whatever it is you choose, go back home today okay? Promise? You can’t avoid him forever. And I know you don’t want to worry him more.”

Changkyun nods slowly. Hyungwon tackles him into another fierce hug, not letting go despite Changkyun’s fists weakly beating against his back.

“You’ll be fine. This will be fine,” Hyungwon whispers, as though saying it any louder may cause it to materialise and fall.

“I hope so too.”

With that, Changkyun rises, picks his bag up, and walks out of the door.

 

The night breeze is chilly, enough to make the tip of Changkyun’s fingers and nose cold but not enough to be uncomfortable. There’s a direct bus to the front of the apartment complex but instead, he chooses to walk back. The slowing of his footsteps is in part due to his sheer fear of having to see Kihyun but more because he wants to take his time and digest before he gets back.

The past events from the previous few days swim in his head. Maybe the truth and his subconscious mind have been playing hide and seek the entire duration of this mess, hell, maybe for even as long as 2 years if what Hyunwoo said was something to go by. He’s really this dumb, huh.

The fluorescent lights of the family mart winks at Changkyun from afar, and he decides to pop by and get something to eat. For the first two days of his disappearance, Kihyun had texted him about his whereabouts by nightfall. He had sent back a short “busy, don’t wait up” each time, and by the third night, there were no more texts. He wonders how the scene played out back at home. Had Kihyun waited for him to have dinner, only for the clock to slide by hour by hour, with no trace of him? Was he mad at him? God, he really should’ve explained more. He unwittingly pictures an anxious Kihyun, his brows furrowed and fingers drumming on the table, waiting for him to come back or at least get a text back. He sees him pacing back and forth, annoyance and worry written all over his face. He’s seen Kihyun worry before and he knows how it takes a toll on him. It does nothing to make him feel better, but he supposes he deserves to feel every bit of this horrible burning shame for having irresponsibly vanished for days.

The girl is back to the counter again today, Changkyun notices as he steps in, and upon meeting eyes with him, she visibly flushes before mouthing an apology. Right. The boyfriend thing. He musters a weak smile back at her as he grabs the closest sandwich and pays.

He thinks about it while leaving the store, hitting the pavement once again. He thinks about him dating someone else, thinks about Kihyun dating someone else. He visualises Kihyun doing all the things they do but with someone else. Kihyun sitting on the floor with his left leg pressed against someone else’s right leg, laughing at a dumb drag race moment on his spotless computer screen. Kihyun hugging someone else in the theatres during a screening of a horror movie, burying his face in someone else’s shoulder when the ominous music starts playing. Kihyun dragging someone else out to the dog cafe, or even take them on the long route back just to see a glimpse of his favourite dog. Kihyun living with someone else.

And if he thinks about it, he really should’ve known, because this feeling of gut-wrenching discomfort, a throbbing yet acute pain all at once, isn’t unfamiliar. He’s felt this when a senior asked Kihyun out. He felt this when he introduced Jooheon to Kihyun- they hit off so well and thereafter, being physically affectionate people, always had a hand on the other or a head resting on the other’s shoulder. And if he’s going to be honest, he’s felt this when he watches Kihyun gush about idols, his eyes even brighter and wider than before.

The road back is paved with exasperation with himself and a desperate search to find ways to explain to Kihyun what has been going on. There’s no reasonable way to explain this and he’s so tired. He’s tired of finding excuses, tired of hiding, and maybe he should just tell Kihyun the truth. Maybe he’ll laugh it off, he thinks. Maybe he’ll say, “Is that it?” and then something beyond amazing and terrifying will happen. Maybe he’ll give Changkyun a look of pity and nothing more. Maybe-

He runs out of maybes and still doesn’t have a good answer to any scenario by the time he reaches the doorstep. He hasn’t heard the neighbours arguing for a good 2 weeks and it’s almost refreshing to hear the shrill sounds of two girls fighting over….whatever they like to fight over. Regardless, a promise is a promise, and he unlocks the door, heavier than ever.

Kihyun’s sitting by the dining table and he looks just the same. It’s funny how Changkyun thinks that something would look different, literally anything, but then he remembers this is Kihyun and he’s looked like this every 8pm for the past 2 years- the same serious look facing the same computer, the same freshly towelled hair with the same lavender fragrance hanging in the air, with the same sitting posture in the exact same chair.

And then Kihyun looks up, and it’s almost like he’s going to be met with the same small smile as the busy student looks back at his computer. Changkyun’s almost preemptively relieved to be faced with this normalcy, when Kihyun instead shoots up so fast and the next thing he knows, he’s enveloped in a tight embrace, one arm around his waist and another around his shoulder. He’s surrounded by lavender and warmth and everything he’s ever wanted but never deserved in the world, and all the words he wanted to say, all the apologies, the excuses, even a wayward confession, all dissipate. All that matters, his last coherent thought in that moment echoes, is this right now.

“I’m so, so sorry if I made you angry.”

Changkyun is puzzled. Is Kihyun apologising? Why is he apologising? Wait, did those words come out of his own mouth?

“No, uh…I said that? I asked if I made you angry?”

Changkyun belatedly realises he voiced his own thoughts out loud. Kihyun draws away from the hug to face Changkyun, giving him an odd look. The absence of the other’s body pressed against his shouldn’t leave him feeling this cold, but that’s not the point right now. He remembers his text messages with Hyungwon and the apologies attempt to find their way out of his mouth again.

“Oh god, no, it’s not that, it’s just...I...I’m sorry Ki, I’ve just….it’s been….”

Changkyun’s hands find themselves being held by Kihyun’s. He doesn’t know how he looks, but he supposes that he looks and sounds as flustered and apologetic as he feels, because Kihyun’s giving him that look of concern again and he’s back to feeling so incredibly bad.

“Hey, it’s fine. We’re fine, right?”

Changkyun nods vigorously, and he sees a bit of the tension in Kihyun’s shoulders escape.

“Are you fine, then? It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it now, or if you can’t think of what to say. I’ll always be here for you, okay? Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m free to listen and help.”

Kihyun’s voice is mellifluous and soft, and he looks at Changkyun with so much kindness and patience that it _hurts_. All that he manages is a quiet “Yeah, thanks.” He gets a smile in return and a squeeze of his hands, before he’s being chased to take a shower and if he hasn’t eaten, to tell Kihyun quick so he can make him something.

In that moment all that fills Changkyun’s head is _I think I’m so in love with you,_ but instead the words that leave his mouth are “It’s fine, I’ve eaten.” It’s enough for now, he thinks. He can hold on to this for a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> through the power of putting fergalicious on for 3h straight this is finally something...? if this chapter is a whole ass mess i apologise the words just won't flow out and idk why :/


	5. Now...what?

Kihyun doesn’t mention the incident again and neither does Changkyun. Everything goes back to normal, and it’s almost like the past three weeks were merely a fever nightmare. Almost completely normal at least, with the sole indicator of it being reality is the way Changkyun feels.

And really, nobody told him it’d be like that. It’s like a roller coaster- all these weeks, hell, _years_ of realisation only serve to buckle him into his seat and help him make his way to the top of the ride, slowly and surely. The final push that sends him plunging down, feeling this close to flying out and dying and yet oddly blazingly alive, was this piece of knowledge. And as all roller coasters go, it’s been a mess of ups and downs.

Changkyun supposes the dawning of this whole _being in love with my room-mate and best friend_ shenanigans has, in some ways, helped him. He doesn’t feel like his head is a pool of murky water anymore, and he better understands some of his previous feelings and actions. But his head being in the clear now means that he’s so much more painfully aware of what’s going on, and he doesn’t even have any boulders of denial to hide behind anymore.

He can’t help it, really. He just can’t. His hands feel too big now, tongue always tied, eyes always averted. It’s like having to relearn how to be a person again with a manual written in a language he barely understands. Each action he takes feels too deliberate and thought-out, and all he knows he just doesn’t know how to act around Kihyun anymore. Lucky thing is, he thinks, Kihyun doesn’t seem to notice the recent rising of floundering. There’s no more constant expression of concern on his face the way it was two weeks ago, no odd looks thrown in his direction. Kihyun’s back to being, well, Kihyun, minding his own business and half of Changkyun’s, being the naggy, hard to read, complex, _amazing_ human being he is. So that’s good, in fact that’s really good. It helps him relax a little, be more natural. He even teases back sometimes.

But of course, he can’t be Changkyun without having no rest from the heavens, so of course Hyungwon has to text him two weeks later to remind him of all these baggage he had so neatly placed at the back of his mind. _Well, if anything, Kihyun will be real proud that there’s at least something neat going on in my life_.

 

**Hyungwinning in life**

so uhhh y’all banging yet

will there now be bad times to come over to your place

**Changkyun**

what??

no

i uh

don’t kill me

but i

haven’t done anyth about it?

maybe

**Hyungwinning in life**

sigh

disappointed but not surprised

**Changkyun**

;_;

hyung u don’t understand

it’s not so easy

it’s just

he means a lot to me

so much

and if like

bc of this he stops being my friend i’m going to be so crushed

and i’ll never forgive myself for ruining this

**Hyungwinning in life**

…….

yeah

ok

fine

i get what you mean

but you can’t just sit there and not do anything too

**Changkyun**

i can, actually

that’s exactly what i’ve been doing

it’s going swimmingly

**Hyungwinning in life**

yeah but it’s not a long-term plan

are you just gonna wait here forever until something happens

and that something could possibly mean someone else swooping in

stealing kihyun from right under your nose while you watch?

hmm?

**Changkyun**

ouch

u rly went there huh

**Hyungwinning in life**

and then kihyun will spend all his time with someone else

and then you will be sad and lonely

and also probably homeless, if all goes well

for them i mean, not for you, obviously

**Changkyun**

are you trying to make me sob

because you are getting there

**Hyungwinning in life**

…..ffs

no i’m not

i’m trying to get you to realise that you have to take some form of ACTION

**Changkyun**

who is action i don’t know her

**Hyungwinning in life**

i’ll introduce y’all if you don’t listen up

and it won’t be pretty at all

**Changkyun**

kinky

ok jk

fine

are u going to suggest something else then

**Hyungwinning in life**

yes ofc and i would’ve done it earlier if you had stfu smh

so

here’s my new and improved golden plan:

you gotta charm him

make him feel something in his otherwise cold, dead heart

you gotta

f l i r t

**Changkyun**

you’re actually kidding me right

i ooze the same amount of sex appeal as a dead frog

he’d go running before i can even do something proper

**Hyungwinning in life**

jeeeesus i’m not asking you to, what

slut drop for him or anything like that

just be...sweeter? nicer?

do more romantic stuff

take a leaf out of your favourite classic movie the notebook

**Changkyun**

i sense mirth and distaste in the last message

i shall ignore it

**Hyungwinning in life**

do you ever read my messages properly

that’s all i wonder in life

**Changkyun**

yes yes i got it

be nice

sweet stuff

romance

candlelit dinners

rose petals on his bed

paying rent in advance

giving him half my spleen

making him the sole inheritor of the whole $5 in my bank acc

**Hyungwinning in life**

see? you got it

**Changkyun**

…...hyungwon-ssi

  


The older boy doesn’t reply back. Sighing, Changkyun decides it’s better to bark up another tree.

 

**Changkyun**

joo

heonnie

my dude

**Future Grammy Winner**

omg hi my dude!!!!

sorry i haven’t been replying back!!!!

it’s been busy here man

so sorry

**Changkyun**

nah it’s cool my dude don’t sweat it

i’m proud of u and ur hustle yeah

anyway j wanted to ask

u know how to

uh

flirt?

no rush to answer btw

**Future Grammy Winner**

are my eyes deceiving me

or are you asking me, veteran single, how to flirt?

the only thing i romance nowadays is cubase bro

and why do u even need to learn how to flirt lol

did u finally get ur head outta ur ass and realised that u like kihyun or smth

**Changkyun**

…...who told u

**Future Grammy Winner**

wait

SERIOUSLY??????!?!??!??!

WOW i never thought this day would come

gotta send a bouquet of flowers over as congratulations

i think a little tear just escaped the corner of my left eye man

**Changkyun**

stop being so dramatic and give me some answers please

i’m desperate

**Future Grammy Winner**

wait how did u find out though

like what made u unlodge ur skull from ur anal cavity

**Changkyun**

i’ll tell u later if u will stop talking about my head and my anus

and give me some PROPER ADVICE

**Future Grammy Winner**

omg ok jooheon time to put on ur thinking cap

idk dude

suck his dick??

**Changkyun**

slick

and they say romance is dead

**Future Grammy Winner**

why wld u say slick in reply to that….

ok nvm

in all honesty i think just be yourself?

do what you’ve always been doing i guess

it seems to be working

**Changkyun**

waaait

what???

what do u even mean by that

**Future Grammy Winner**

boi do i have to spell everyth out for u

ok yes actl i do

it took u this long to remove ur [REDACTED] from ur [REDACTED] after all

it means

i think that the feelings r mutual

but ki being ki

well

he’s a bit tsun isn’t he

not so straightforward, hesitant

but yeah i’m preeeeeetty sure i’m right

**Changkyun**

sigh

and what if you’re wrong

then what???

**Future Grammy Winner**

shit dude don’t need to get onto the offensive so fast

**Changkyun**

yeah sorry

i just

really don’t wanna mess it up

and i don’t want to give myself false hope

**Future Grammy Winner**

yeah i can tell kyun it’s fine

it’s not false hope it’s confidence

false hope is baseless

confidence comes with backing which i have

i’m giving you the confidence you need

go get ur mans kyun!!!!! i believe in u

**Changkyun**

thank you heonnie

i hope you’re right

**Future Grammy Winner**

again, hope is baseless

and my stellar track record refutes that

anyway so now wanna tell me how u found out

**Changkyun**

mayhaps i have explosive diarrhea Right Now :) good talk!

**Future Grammy Winner**

are u fucking kidding me

i give u all this good advice and then u??

bail out on me??

i guess kids nowadays rly ain’t shit

CHANGKYUN

wtf did u rly go

ugh STUPID HOE

I WILL SEEK REVENGE JUST U WAIT  


Ignoring Jooheon, Changkyun googles ‘how to flirt’ since _none of these people I call friends bother helping_ and Wikihow states that he has to ‘maintain eye contact smile, strike up a conversation, break the touch barrier and compliment’ so...he supposes that’s the plan. He wonders if this is going to make him way more flustered and nervous, and if it does, whether it gets better as the days go by. But he’s running on the little amount of confidence he’s gained from Jooheon, and he hopes that’s enough to last him through this process, however long.

Turns out, it really isn’t enough.

“It’s just not my thing, hyung,” Changkyun whines, pouting slightly at his latte.

“Exactly what have you been doing?” Hyungwon replies back, sipping his tea. The campus’ café was quiet for a Monday afternoon, the sight of just three or four students sitting around being a rarity. Which was a good coincidence, Changkyun thinks, because he really doesn’t need more strangers to hear about his sordid love life.

“I mean...I did as you said? I tried to compliment him more? Uhhh smile more? But he just doesn’t really react? I don’t even know what I’m doing wrong.”

Hyungwon guffaws at Changkyun’s look of cluelessness and misery.

“Okay, bring me through some of the things you did and said.”

“So...uhh...god this is awkward, must I really tell you about my failed attempts at flirting? You’re never going to let me live this down, right?”

Hyungwon smirks.

“Damn right I won’t, but if you don’t tell me about them, how am I supposed to help you? Come on, take it from the taken guy.”

Changkyun really, really needs better friends. But since he can’t get them at such short notice, he decides that maybe he’s really going to have to retell his embarrassing tales to Hyungwon. He tells him about trying to ‘maintain eye contact’ but failing terribly, about the multiple “hey you look good today”s and the varied responses of “i always look good”, “do you owe me money?” and “what did you do again this time?”. He tries to avoid talking in detail about how he decides that he should combine the ideas of ‘breaking the touch barrier’, ‘smiling’, and ‘striking up a conversation’, but Hyungwon wheedles them out anyway. It’s a whole mess.

“...and the worst part is that his reactions are just so...normal? Calm? Whereas I’m here sweating and shaking thinking of things to do that express ‘I want to love you so hard but only if you’re down because I don’t want to put you in an uncomfortable situation’? It’s so difficult.”

“Well, it’s better than him flipping out right?”

Changkyun ponders for a bit and concedes. “Yeah okay, true, but it’s worse than him not reacting well to it, too.”

“Maybe you’re just not being straight-forward enough.” Hyungwon offers.

“What more am I supposed to do, sit on his lap and tell him that this seat is taken for life?” Changkyun rolls his eyes and drains his remaining latte.

“If you do actually do that, get someone to video it. I want to see Kihyun’s reaction.” Hyungwon must be visualising the scene, because he ends up erupting into giggles, much to Changkyun’s displeasure.

“At my expense? You really love me, huh.”

“Okay, okay, in all seriousness, maybe you should do something like...go out with him? Do something bigger, something sweeter? But not too PDA because you know how the hamster bitch feels about big gestures.”

“Like what...cooking him dinner? At home?”

“Yeah. That’s a good idea, actually. Maybe the best one you’ve thought of so far. Or in your life.”

“Thanks for being encouraging man, what would I do without you.” Changkyun says, monotonous, much to Hyungwon’s smugness.

“Nothing. You’re a dumb dense baby who doesn’t understand love and yet is full of it for a soulless hamster bitch.”

“You know I’m keeping track of all the things you’ve called Kihyun, right? And that I’m going to tell him once the inventory is full, right?”

“Jokes on you, bitch,” Hyungwon says, getting up. “I already tell them to his face. Now let’s go, I have two more papers this coming week and unlike you, smartass, I am fully unprepared for both of them.”  


 

Changkyun really shouldn’t have thought about the whole dinner thing, because firstly, he’s only good at making fried rice and ramen, if good meant ‘the kitchen and I both survive and the food is more of an afterthought’, and secondly, where is he going to find the time?! He’s a busy final year college student with his last paper in slightly more than a week, after all.

Which is probably why he finds himself searching up recipes online anyway, sourcing something that’s easy yet, well, good enough. Kihyun has his last paper late Wednesday afternoon, which probably means he’ll be back later than usual, which also means Changkyun’s plan should go smoothly without a hitch.

And maybe the gods above are smiling upon him, because he goes to the mart right after lunch and gets everything without a hitch, comes back and miraculously is able to prepare everything without injuring himself, and dumps all the necessary ingredients into their trusty old pot with a sigh of relief. That’s the good thing about stews, he muses; it’s actually harder to mess up than to perfect. With that, he lets the pot do its part and goes back into his room, relieved. _It’s going to be great, and Ki’s going to be amazed that I can whip something up decently. Then he’s going to fall in love with my absolute domesticity or something. Yeah, something._

His mind is pulled out of his work two hours later to the sound of the door opening and a gasp. He walks out to the sight of Kihyun curiously inspecting the pot, sniffing and peering.

“Does it pass the test, chef Yoo?” Changkyun calls out.

“Hmm I can’t be sure, can I? Maybe it doesn’t taste as good as it smells.” Kihyun teases back.

The younger boy pouts as Kihyun laughs, fetching a spoon to try the stew. _Please let it be okay, please, I’ll sacrifice half an acquaintance for this to be okay._

The pleasant surprise on Kihyun’s face says it all. Changkyun almost sags onto a chair in relief. _Finally, something going fine._

“This is really, really good, Kyun. Maybe it’s time for you to take over the cooking instead?”

“Uh, no thanks. You can continue doing the cooking, I want to be on permanent dishwashing duty for life after this.”

“For life? You’re gonna stay with me forever?”

Kihyun’s back is already turned, getting out cutlery, but the smile is apparent in his voice. Changkyun pretends his heart doesn’t lurch a bit, remembers that _he has to catch every opportunity and-_

“Oh, uh, sure?”

 _Smooth Changkyun, very smooth_. Kihyun merely hums in agreement, clearly unruffled, and it takes Changkyun another whole three seconds before he realises that he really shouldn’t be making Kihyun set everything up himself. He hurries over to help, and Kihyun surprisingly lets him handle everything himself.

Dinner goes the way dinner always does, but Changkyun swears Kihyun has never been in such a good mood before. It’s evident in the way he’s even chattier and a lot more touchy, and his eyes turn into little crescents and his smile just, objectively of course, rivals the sun. Changkyun really wishes he’d thought of doing this earlier.

Kihyun offers to wash up, but Changkyun interjects.

“You finished your papers today, just go relax. Let me handle it, yeah?”

He doesn’t let the other answer, instead making the first move to start cleaning up. The other boy just beams back and tells him to call for him if he needs help, before moving over to the living room.

He really, really should have thought of doing this earlier, he thinks as he faces the sink, scrubbing. Heck, if he knew this would make Kihyun so happy, he’d be willing to do this everyday. It’s like his happiness is infectious and it fills every single crevice in Changkyun with warmth. He’d do anything to capture this moment and view it over and over again, in all its vivid vibrance.

He’s wiping the bowls when he feels warm arms snake around his waist from behind, a pointy chin on his shoulder. He almost yelps, but stops himself in time.

“Thank you for doing so much today, love.” Kihyun’s voice is low and gentle and so incredibly _right_.

By the time Changkyun recovers, the other man has already gone into his room, no trace of the previous incident left. All that remains, once again, is Changkyuns furiously beating heart and shaking hands.

Was he hallucinating, or did Kihyun call him ‘love’? He indulges himself, lets the sentence replay itself again and again. It was real, right? _Love, love, love. He called me love._ The words sink and simmer in, swimming slow laps in his mind. They coveted him and wrapped him up in a fuzzy, purple-tinged haze.

He feels heavy yet light, weighed down yet freed. There's a part of him hell-bent on rationalising and teasing the meaning out of those words, wanting to both shoot down hope and alleviate it at the same time. There's another part of him that wants to take what he has now and run.

Hyungwon's voice echoes in his head. 

_It feels inevitable._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise smth will happen next chapter prooooomise

**Author's Note:**

> if you want to give me feedback/ideas please yell at me here or on twt
> 
> twitter: @jaljayoos
> 
> (pls send changki content my way i haven't eaten good in so long)
> 
> thank you for reading!


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